HOW TO BE SAD
LIVE INSIDE A PAPIER-MÂCHÉ CAST OF SOMEONE ELSE’S IDEA OF YOU
CONTAMINATE EVERY MOMENT OF JOY WITH A DROP OF OKBUTLIKE
FOLD YOUR ENVY INTO VERY SMALL AND POINTY ORIGAMI FLOWERS, NO ONE WILL NOTICE
DIE IN AN ARMED ENCOUNTER WITH A COMPLIMENT
BUILD A MCMANSION IN YOUR HEAD AND TURN THE GAS FIREPLACE OFF AND ON WHILE SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU TRIES TO ASK YOU A QUESTION
NURTURE THE EXISTENCE OF A SECOND YOU, WHO MADE SLIGHTLY BETTER DECISIONS IN COLLEGE AND IS CURRENTLY DRINKING MIMOSAS IN THE PENTHOUSE OF MASLOW’S HIERARCHY OF NEEDS
GET TINY BACK TATTOOS OF EVERY MILDLY EMBARRASSING THING YOU’VE EVER SAID AT A PARTY
WAIT TWENTY MISSISSIPPIS TO TEXT BACK FOUR HUNDRED MISSISSIPPIS TO EMAIL BACK AT LEAST ONE MISSISSIPPI TO RESPOND TO SOMEONE STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO YOU
CONSTRUCT A TINY RACETRACK AROUND THE INSIDE OF YOUR SKULL
SELF-DEPRECATE SO ZESTILY AND PERFORMATIVELY YOU ACCIDENTALLY MANAGE A MULTI-YEAR PR CAMPAIGN AGAINST YOURSELF
PAY EACH OF YOUR TROUBLES A DECENT LIVING WAGE; LET THEM UNIONIZE AND LIVE LONG FULFILLING LIVES WITHIN YOU
DROP ANYTHING YOU WANT TO SAY INTO A DARK WET BOX BEHIND YOUR RIBCAGE IN EXCHANGE FOR SOMETHING YOU SORT-OF-NOT-REALLY-WHY-ARE-YOU-SAYING-THIS-WANT TO SAY
LISTEN TO THE ONE WITH MORE FOLLOWERS
SEW A PARACHUTE OUT OF YOUR INNER MONOLOGUE AND REGULARLY EMERGENCY-EJECT YOURSELF FROM CONVERSATIONS AND EVENTS
TELL YOURSELF YOU’RE DEPRESSED THOUGH IT’S CODE FOR ENVIOUS THOUGH THAT’S CODE FOR SELF-DOUBTING WHICH IS CODE FOR AFRAID OF COMMITTING TO SOME SMALL NUGGET OF YOURSELF, A NUGGET THAT COULD BE SUPER AND GOOD BUT IT SCARES YOU AND THIS IS TERRIFYING SO KEEP TELLING YOURSELF YOU’RE DEPRESSED GO EAT SOME ICE CREAM REPEAT IN THREE WEEKS
ALLOW SOCIAL MEDIA TO FILL THE “PLATO’S CAVE” ROLE IN YOUR LIFE
FOR EVERY ACTION YOU TAKE RUN A SMALL-SCALE SIMULATION OF AT LEAST NINE VARIATIONS OF IT SO WHENEVER YOU DO SOMETHING IT FEELS MORE LIKE A MÉLANGE OF EVERYTHING YOU COULD HAVE DONE INSTEAD OF WHAT YOU ACTUALLY DID DO
